Saturday, September 27, 2008

vino and lines 1

so, here we are. it's always so funny to go back and read old journals or blogs. the language you used back then seems so different from the time when you actually read it. you always sound like an amateur. someone who lacks in any maturity or piece of mind, really. reading this blog in the coming years, i'm sure i will come to the same assessments. 

tonight i want to learn something. i want to learn how to let go and know that i am fully capable of doing so. i want to know that i can and will recover. no situation will ever be the tell all, end all. especially... when it comes to love, or something like it. love could probably be considered the most embarrassing emotion to be a part of. 

"so, you're fine, right?"
"i'm really occupied down here."
"so, you're fine, right!?"

how does love (or something like it) become so one sided? it's painful to have to acknowledge the change of heart. you can go for only so long denying what you know has been brewing underneath the forced phone calls and the cheap facebook comments. when it finally comes to the surface, though, you're never prepared for it. never.

we always try to do what is good for us long term. we try and make decisions that will benefit us for the future, neglecting to think of what we want in this moment, right now. would if we don't get tomorrow, or next month, or next year? would if all we have is now? i'm sure our views on what is  "right" or "healthier" for us would change dramatically. maybe that's just being selfish.

this is the first time in my life where i am reluctantly walking away from someone and having no possibilities in line. i have no one to take my mind off of things. i think it's the scariest thing i've ever done. rejection is a one hell of a bitch. it is the bitch. he speaks to me about traveling and new projects and none of it involving me. his life has nothing to do with me anymore, and the worst part of all being his indifference to that fact. he's fine. how did that happen?