Thursday, September 22, 2011

Monday, February 22, 2010

Ghost Limb Blogging

Where am I right now that has persuaded me to blog?

"In Theory" seems to be a recurring theme in my life right now. I feel like I am internalizing my life as it happens out loud and it's two completely different people. The girl in my head has a much better grasp of what her reality could be like, but in actuality, she's finding it hard to retrieve any genuine satisfaction. In my defense, the girl in my head is living a fantasy. An emotional fantasy that can exist under the right circumstances, but that isn't exactly the case.

I shouldn't say this is the recurring theme over all the aspects of my life. I am pretty content with the progression that has been made on certain areas. Much potential and definitely heading in the right direction... whatever that means.

I feel like this blog was wanting to be written and yet I can't help but sensor the truth. I feel like I'm just rambling.

I'll figure it out. There's no deadline for that. Not one that I know of, anyway.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

The calm before the storm.

No, no that wasn't completely a metaphor.

New York actually does have a blizzard coming, or so they say. Looks like it's time for hibernation! I'll definitely have to drop off laundry today. Really, right now would be the ideal time so I can pick it up at a decent hour tonight, but I'm still in bed and I've started blogging. Not happening.

Last night I finished a song that I had been working on. It was a rare occasion because the words and the feelings happening in the song are not coming from personal experience right now and they really have never occurred in my life. I had to make sense of it somehow because I never experienced being able to write something so effortlessly without having gone through it already, to some degree. I realized my subconscious may have written this song for my unattainable alter ego. My alter ego is fantastic, by the way. She's probably perfect. To me, at least. I don't claim her to be so perfect because of her ability to avoid human error or that she can preemptively tackle any problem that comes her way with ease and poise. No, she's a mess just like me. There's nothing actually "alter" about her, only that she attains love for herself at a constant no matter what. She takes everything that is thrown at her (by her) and is able to still see how beautiful she is as a person. She just always knows better than I do in the sense that my falters don't have to be so heavy and final. There is more to a person than his or her smile, their laugh and their love. More to a person than their generally positive outlook. My alter ego would even like to have an alter ego because I don't place her as this huge loving and pleasant creature. She's too real for that. The only reason she is my alter ego is because she knows a lot more than I do when it comes to myself and she knows I'm breaking myself for nothing. And because she will always understand. I have a pretty decent suitcase of my own of understanding, but not when it comes to myself. You always expect more from yourself and I'm no different.

The song is beautiful, sweet and to the point. I know I can be all of these things I wrote down and I know that I am, but until someone else sees it, I don't know how much water that can hold. I mean if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, did it make a sound. You've heard that before. I mean, I totally think the tree makes a sound regardless, but it makes you ponder.

Friday, October 30, 2009

These are the moments I was talking about!

Last night!

THAT'S what I'm saying, THAT'S what's worth it to me. Those revelations and fears that you share with someone over house tequila shots and 3$ budlights on game night. Okay, it sounds better when you don't add the gritty details, but they only add to making it a great night, no?

There was a specific moment last night that proved this point to me. On about our 5th round of drinks, our waitress, just passing by, looked at us and commented on how lucky we are and that she bets we are having a great night tonight. She was completely accurate. And in that moment, my beliefs on settling were confirmed and I will remain on this journey to find a better way. Yes, I sound foolish and I don't know when my next paychecks coming in, but I have never been happier. I can't even write songs anymore because I am content! Contentment is not my go to emotion and songs can become so cheesy... I'm slowly learning to utilize this emotion into my writing, but let me tell you, this is new for me. Being satisfied. Being content. Not giving a fuck was never knew to me, but it still stands tall today!

I really enjoy having nights like that with good company. Expressing fears, hopes, new revelations about yourself, admittance of possible surrender to something you once loved. This business really is the most brutal one. I know and understand that first hand. I think we all do, but it's not until you are actually in it that it really hits you. Hard. It's so easy to get discouraged and want to switch your focus onto something more promising, something more stable. I believe deciding that you want to become a performer in any right, you have instilled the understanding somewhere in your heart and mind that this is not going to be an easy road and that this will be the biggest risk of your life. But that's the whole point, isn't it? Anyone (though, not really) can act, but you know you have something more to offer. It's hard to see it when you realize those 300 other girls think they also have something more to offer, but if we didn't actually believe this about ourselves, I think there would be a lot less actors. At this day and age we don't even have to believe in our talent. We have to believe in that little spark, that little extra something, that we have no idea what it is, but that that's going to set us apart from everyone else. On days of auditions that you don't believe in your spark, it's not going to show up. It's only there if you want it to be there. The spark only does you the favor when you put in the work and trust yourself.

New York city is our biggest fan and our warmest (I know, it's winter) friend. It only wants to see us succeed or else people wouldn't write songs about it or the slogan would have been "If you can't make it here, you should kill yourself".. or something along those lines. New York is the biggest outlet of constant creativity and there is a stage in almost every fucking place. If you can't find inspiration and a place to fulfill your performing needs, then you're not trying at all. And I am not saying this to scold. That is not my intention, but New York is here to work for you and it will always come through. Always. Even when you don't. It will always be here waiting for you to get up and make something happen for yourself. Success is a state of mind and a wonderful state of mind when you stop believing that there's only one form of true success here or anywhere, for that matter. There's so much more to this amazing city then the Broadway, and as I still fully intend to be there one day, I'm not going to let other people tell me that I can't perform today because they didn't book me... Or even submit me to that audition. Yeah, I said it. Anyway, what I am trying to say is there will always be a stage somewhere for you here, you just have to make the first move. New York doesn't want to see you fail and neither does anyone else. You only fail if you let yourself fail and that's really hard to do. Because even your true failures weren't that big to begin with. You just have a way with exaggeration.

So, here's to you, New York. For the new adventures we are about to embark on and the new dreams we will be creating for ourselves. We couldn't do it with out you. Thanks for being awesome.