Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It's time for a resolution, baby

Let's see. If I were starting a new year what would I want to do differently?

* When you have no significant other in your life, don't pretend like you do. Don't drag your baggage towards someone else. You know the deal.

* Like everyone always says, go to the damn gym. Be active. Stop being lazy. Go get a six pack.. or something like it.

* No more blowing up for no apparent reason on your parents. Unless they're being immature. Be nice to your parents on the phone. You know you love them so stop being such a bitch.

* Keep up your correspondence. Keep good people around you.

* Continue loving yourself and everything about you.

* Ask for help more. Higher beings and people do care about you. That's what they're there for.

* Love everyone. Keep positive energy alive in your life and keep spewing it out every chance you get. No matter what.

That's a pretty banging list if I've ever seen one. That'll do just fine.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

conflict of interest anyone?

"when you're in your hardest times, don't be scared to make them mine." -RLT

Thursday, December 18, 2008

if you stare at your eyes long enough they stop looking worn and become broken. It's heartbreaking.

I could write a song about this picture.

I feel like this is what you would have looked like telling me the bad news. I imagine your eyes tearing up like that and turning red. And biting your lips because there really isn't anything else that can be said at a time like this. I'm sure this picture has nothing to do with me or the bad news, but it's what I imagine. It's what I hope. 

Sunday, December 14, 2008

everyone has their person.
that one person in your life that doesn't need a word to understand what you want or how you feel.
And when you do give them words and thoughts, they respond so effortlessly, leaving you feeling like you can get through anything. 
I didn't know my person was going to be you.
I think I like it this way.


Seeing recent pictures of you makes me reluctantly intrigued. 
You really are okay with this.
The flashbacks that I'm getting should prove different.
What the hell did we do? 
What the hell was that?
And why the hell don't you care?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

"because you deserve everything"

when you can't be with the one that you love the most,
you finally start living in real-time.
you can feel every minute go by.
you tell yourself this is the way it is, 
as your daily routine becomes almost arbitrary,
as your emotions mold into one solid rock of numb,
and there's that voice in your head reminding you what you have lost.
The forbidden slideshow of flashbacks flicker constantly in your head,
without your consent. 
And all you can do is keep going,
drilling into your mind that there is a reason,
there is a purpose.
Even though we said it was all or nothing,
and we did choose nothing,
and that's what it feels like.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sunday, December 7, 2008

"wants to be a stranger"

the only reason i would want to become a stranger, is to meet you all over again. 
To fix the mistakes that I made.
To have the ability to do it all over again, the right way.
To hold you closer than I did before.
To understand what I had now that I've already met you.

You can't take back what you already know.
You can't undo what's already been done.
You can't take back i love you, only to use it again, in a newer light.
The I love you has been branded already.
We have evolved as separate identities now.
We are what we are because of where we've been.
You can't rewrite our past.

But would if we could take it all back,
And meet each other, again, for the first time.
I hope you know, now, I wanted you to hold my hand a little tighter.
That's all I ever wanted. 

I wonder what our first exchange would be like?
I've never wanted more not to have known you,
so you could be my stranger.
And we could figure it all out again.

desperately wants her own. 

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Old College Try.

What does that mean when you fall in love with some body, fall out of love with them and then take them out of your life completely? And if slowly, surely? why don't you keep those characters in the end? they served a great purpose in the plot all the way up until the resolution and even there after. What am i completely dismissing when I find there is no reason for their dialogue anymore? What about the human relationship that was created. You can't deny the relationship, the closeness. I don't think this is really what is supposed to happen when you take back i love you. No matter how dysfunctional the relationship was. In the end you both created something magical some where along the line and it should be recognized and admired. 

I miss all the little things, moments, inside gestures and images that only we knew. 
I miss us from a far. 
I still listen to songs and think it's secretly talking about us.
I miss being in love with you, or something close to it.
I miss the idea of us.

I don't want you, though. Right now at this moment, I believe that to be true.

I need a piano.

relationships are truly inspiring and heartbreaking. 

Revelation #1:

if i had some vino, there would be more lines.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

vino and lines 1

so, here we are. it's always so funny to go back and read old journals or blogs. the language you used back then seems so different from the time when you actually read it. you always sound like an amateur. someone who lacks in any maturity or piece of mind, really. reading this blog in the coming years, i'm sure i will come to the same assessments. 

tonight i want to learn something. i want to learn how to let go and know that i am fully capable of doing so. i want to know that i can and will recover. no situation will ever be the tell all, end all. especially... when it comes to love, or something like it. love could probably be considered the most embarrassing emotion to be a part of. 

"so, you're fine, right?"
"i'm really occupied down here."
"so, you're fine, right!?"

how does love (or something like it) become so one sided? it's painful to have to acknowledge the change of heart. you can go for only so long denying what you know has been brewing underneath the forced phone calls and the cheap facebook comments. when it finally comes to the surface, though, you're never prepared for it. never.

we always try to do what is good for us long term. we try and make decisions that will benefit us for the future, neglecting to think of what we want in this moment, right now. would if we don't get tomorrow, or next month, or next year? would if all we have is now? i'm sure our views on what is  "right" or "healthier" for us would change dramatically. maybe that's just being selfish.

this is the first time in my life where i am reluctantly walking away from someone and having no possibilities in line. i have no one to take my mind off of things. i think it's the scariest thing i've ever done. rejection is a one hell of a bitch. it is the bitch. he speaks to me about traveling and new projects and none of it involving me. his life has nothing to do with me anymore, and the worst part of all being his indifference to that fact. he's fine. how did that happen?