Thursday, October 15, 2009

the 2836 bullshit.

it's amazing out of everything that we don't have to remember on our own anymore, the things that you actually do end up remembering. like a certain phone number. i thought i really only retained two numbers, 911 and my mother's number. it's funny to see what a little desperation can help you obtain from that memory of yours!

tonight... tonight... i am awakened at 4am, almost 5am now, to speak about my evening. well..

for the first time in my life i am so single it actually does hurt. no really, there's a pain in my side. or is that my chest? either way there's a pain. either that or i am really hungry. it's probably a combination of the two. will i get up and eat a vegan cookie? i may. will you know about it? probably.

so i got up and got 2 vegan cookies. i haven't eaten much today. I drank my meals today in the form of tequila. it's so much better that way sometimes.

you know, if there's one thing i can stress about my experience tonight it's that sometimes, we never stood a chance. no matter what we're wearing, no matter what we say or do, sometimes fate, and i use that term loosely, just doesn't allow us much leg room. i think "fate" can be determined by a lot of things. a lot of things in real time. real time choices. i feel like fate is constantly shape shifting because of the choices we make. and along with those choices are the choices that we already have made, which can and will shape when convenience and past emotions come into the play. ultimately, we do actually determine our fate. we create it's pathway, at least. so fate as being "fate" is a loose term because it's not something that we don't have control over, in a sense. i feel it is a cop out when we actually fall into the belief that we had "nothing to do with it". we totally did by that choice we made right before we called it fate. come on now. and sometimes, with certain fates, you never stood a chance. which was the whole point of this paragraph. despite what could have emerged within the time frame of the "better timing", ultimately, considering the choices that were already made, you never stood a chance. so why fret? this could be freeing in a sense. oh and just a side note, there's no such thing as good timing. it doesn't even exist. so don't let it fool you into believing that had anything to do with anything. it's a myth. also freeing.

i heard a strange bug right by my ear earlier. i hope it is gone and/or doesn't want to bite me. again..

i am learning a lot about myself. faltering is all part of the process. that doesn't bother me so much. i have come accustomed to just throwing myself out there, no matter what the situation. wether it's playing guitar in public or emotions, i have and will always fully embrace my human qualities. fuck it, ya know? it's what we do. i should work on my judgement towards other human beings. considering what i think i know about being human, everyone else is also only human. i'll make a note of that.

this is a pretty scattered blog post.. conscious though usually is. along with rational thought and revelations come unannounced jingles, ex's, and what you want to eat in the morning.

there's only so much i can say on this blog because even this can't be completely uncensored. some things must be sacred. those that are sacred are really the only things we have to differentiate between the relationships we have with people because there are just too many similarities and coincidences. as much as we think we can reserve a certain emotion towards one person and the other, in the end it's all the same just different occurrences. we're all looking for the same two things: love and laughter. it's all relative at a certain point. i am also looking for that sacredness because that really is all we have. it's that one thing only we could bring to the table and it has to be admired and even acknowledged. we all have something to bring to the table. that's nice to know. it's even better when you actually know what that is.

i will leave you with a neat mug i purchased the other day. goodnight.

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