Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I'll settle on happiness, thank you.

So for not really leaving the house at all today, I've had quite the productive day. It feels good, doing nothing and everything all at the same time. It's completely possible. You've done it before you just don't realize it.

I quit my job today at the pub. You know, I will admit and not ashamed to in the least, that I am sort of a spoiled brat. The pier spoiled me so much. It's either I'm a brat or I understand what I want and don't want from something, no matter the subject. I just don't care enough about the outskirts of bartending.. like food service. That's not what I signed up for. I also didn't sign up for registers made in the 1920's. If you could hear my enthusiasm it would make a lot more sense with my "caring face". Look I just want easy money. You can call me a brat, if you'd like, but I will find a job elsewhere. I am really just trying to get over the fact that I am calling myself a brat. The logical side (she's very short and usually doesn't have much to say) says that I'm being a little bitch and I could have totally handled this job. The emotional side (also known on occasion as the "fat girl") knows this all too well, but doesn't want to settle. Ah, there it is! That word! Settling! There was a time when it was acceptable to settle. Like settling land and even an argument. But now to settle is telling that little puppy inside of you that you're going to need to calm your ass down over this bouncy ball because there's a lot more to this life than this bouncy ball and you're going to have to compromise your belief that these insignificant moments are significant! Now, try telling a little puppy all that and you'll get a head tilt and maybe a wag of the stumpy tail. Insignificance should be appreciated because without it how would we know what truly matters. So it holds just as much water as something significant and I wont be persuaded otherwise. Have I digressed from the original subject matter? Anyway, what I am trying to say is I want to be happy above all else and if that makes me brat then so be it.

Money will come and money will go and so will these feelings and mundane moments.. but they're so worth not letting go when they come to you. I was never one to pass up a feeling.. no matter how dreadful. I don't live to make money and I'm not saying anyone does, especially artists. All I'm saying is I'm going to find a better way, for me. I mean, I've gotta live with myself!

Today was a good day. Steering me in the right direction of productivity and creativity and new horizons... new outlooks, endless possibilities all I have to do is look somewhere else. Try not to tie myself down to one kind of money making ritual and narrow down my opportunities of being happy and wealthy and creative. I refuse to settle and I haven't settled in a long time. I take that back, actually. I tend to settle in the area that most drives me and inspires me... sort of ironic. Bad habits really never die. I never say never of course, but it's incredible to watch yourself in slow motion go through the same movements and conversations... wondering why it still works it's way to the same outcome.

I am full of love right now. I am full of angst right now. And all Killer can do is dream about chasing rabbits..